What you are doing for you is enough.
As I was writing yet another anxiety provoked daily to do list, I was conscious that it was adding to my anxiety and making me more stressed. The opposite of what I am actually meant to be doing during this stage in my life.
As they say comparison is the thief of joy. They ain’t kidding! It's hard to not get sucked into comparing yourself in some way when your phone is in your hand and social media is an addictive tap away, overflowing you with information, pictures, reels, influencers galore. Everyday I'm stuck in a comparison loop and with how insecure I am about my life and myself; comparison is like a leach sucking at my every thought and decision I make and do.
The only thing is, even when I decide to unglue myself from my device, I compare what I'm doing to people in my life. It's a constant state of feeling inferior that I'm not doing what everyone else is doing. What I've been advised to prioritise doesn't seem to appear what I see in society as productive. Insecurity, lack of self-trust and confidence all feed my thoughts, so that's where I need to start. I will write, get my thoughts out and work on changing those inner beliefs, which makes it sound so Bridget Jones like and cutesy. I wish it was. When it comes to facing the things that haunt your subconscious, remember how much lighter you'll feel without that weight anchoring you down. Maybe sharing my thoughts will help someone else relate, feel okay to discover and free themselves of their inner burdens. Why not do what I'm best at, overthinking and journaling my thoughts until I come to my own conclusion. It's just me and my computer and to the reader of my mind, I hope my thoughts in some way help you too.
My priority right now is to de-stress my body after my ED burning it out, switching the flick and keeping my mind and body stuck in fight or flight mode too long. Productivity for me at this stage is to rest, relax, decrease exercise stress and eat good and learn how to be comfortable with doing... nothing. Not something I find pleasant. The thought of going home and relaxing inside gives me so much anxiety, a doom feeling I can't describe and a fear to be left alone with my mind. Then, BOOM! Comparison hits me like a fucking ton of bricks. Everyone around me is going to work, attending college, going to the gym, working out more than me, being more “productive” than me. All I'm doing is having to rest, take things easier...I'm doing nothing, achieving nothing, well feels like I'm not. I require so much external validation from others, to give me recognition that what I'm doing is just as hard as what they are doing and is equally as productive. They can soothe my insecurity, make me feel better that my recovery is enough for me to focus on just now. However internally it changes nothing, I go home and I make up tasks, constantly going out for walks as resting is too uncomfortable and I forget why that's productive for me. I need to feel like I'm not doing nothing, so I can be like the people around me. ANXIETY, STRESS, ANIXETY, GO, GO, GO! Throwing me further away from my needs, wants and goals all because I keep comparing.
I'm so focused on where I want to be already, looking at others that are at the stage I feel I need to be there now. Frustration sparks me up and distracts me from looking in.
Everyone goes through stages in life; steps they must do to get to the next desired stage. A glimpse on social media will not tell you where they were before, what stages they had to go through and why, what they had to do, their mental state or even who they really are. Acknowledge the people in your life you compare to. Become aware of why they do the things in their day and what their priorities are as they will align with their needs and desires. Consciously remind yourself that they are them and you are you. Even if you did exactly same as them it will still be a different outcome as you are you. Most likely if you did what they did it wouldn't push you forward with what you need to achieve your goals. You are the main star in your film, directing every shot, and creating the script as you go.
You are always doing enough, if you're doing what propels you forward in your life. That could look like creating a bed time routine to attend those early morning college classes or making time to study each day to pass your exams and achieve that degree. It could be researching your dream career after quitting a job and starting again, or sticking in at that job and working extra to earn money to travel abroad. Double training in a day so you're ready for that competition or going to the gym 3 days a week to help your mental health. It could be learning each day how to allow yourself some chocolate to fix your relationship with food or focusing on protein and meal prepping to reach specific goals. It could be pushing to go on nights out to help your social anxiety or choosing to stay in to find that better balance. Or simply.... taking a break. Putting time into allowing yourself to come back from a burnout. All are productive and all are equally as productive. Whatever your priorities are now to get to the next stage determines the things you do each day to actively be productive.
Learning to do nothing at night but watch a good Netflix series, is productive for me. Its learning to see that it is and not to compare to others.
Frustratingly, I can't work full time or engage in an educational course or do the things I wish I could do or even reach my full potential with fitness. I feel inferior to those that are doing what I wish I was able to do. I feel like I'm failing. I am embarrassed at where I am in life. That feeling pushes me to try do those things, jump the steps and in turn pushing me further away from actually being able to do them. I have to be patient, go through this first step to get me there. I need to learn that what I'm doing is just as productive for me than working or doing the things I feel I should be able to do so that others see me as successful. Rather look down on me, pity me, undermine me. So, I will rest. I will learn to become comfortable relaxing. I will focus on yoga, breath work and doing one gym sesh in a day. These things are enough; they are productive as each day I do them I get closer to my next stage and faster. If I stay in my lane, focus on me and be consciously consistent. Walk before I can run. Be kind to myself and be PATIENT. Then I will be able to start my dream career, compete in all the fitness competitions I want to take part in and simply feel powerful and strong. Also, have an actual functioning brain! Most importantly, actually be able to take care of myself as if I was my own best friend. Without my stage one, there will be no stage two.
Comparison is the thief of joy.....it's also the thief of dreams coming true. Just like how we all have finger prints but no finger print is exactly the same, everyone's stage one will be different in one way or another, and that what makes you so wonderfully unique and interesting. Unfortunately, some stages are uncomfortable. You can't skip. You got to go through and trust it's enough, even if you can't see the outcome of your actions instantly, know that one day all the work will show. Like a seed, the seed needs to be planted deep in soil, watered and fed day in day out. The hard work is happening underneath, but no one can see. Until one day all of a sudden it sprouts out. If you gave up on the flower just before it breaks through the soil you would have never seen the consistent effort that went into creating it. So, before you give up, know it will come to fruition if you trust the process. I will link an extract from atomic habits that's helped me push when I didn't feel like pushing through the discomfort any longer. If I don't though, I'll never reach my potential or even get to see what that's like. That itself is a scary thought.
There's a shade between black and white, grey. Grey thinking. Being productive isn't this or that, it lies in the grey. Its internal and external. Sometimes internal productivity will get you further than external during phases in your life. It doesn't have to be tangible for it to be something you do to move you forward; unseen work is the work that when it comes to fruition, is the most vibrant work you've done for yourself to get you where you are today.
The next time you start to compare - Flip it. View things and use them not to compare, but as a tool to inspire you to prioritise things that will get you to achieve your goals and dreams.
What does the word productive really mean to you? What productive things are you doing that align with where you are just now and what you need to move to your next desired step?
I've linked a quick article explaining James Clear’s ‘Plateau of Latent Potential’ from his book Atomic Habits.
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